Talking with Your Child

The CARES Approach

We recommend the CARES approach to support you in having difficult conversations.

Calm, non-judgemental listening. Fake it if you have to. Make it clear you don’t blame them. Take deep breaths, pause to give yourself space. Keep them talking while you gather your thoughts with phrases like “I see” and “Tell me a bit more.”

Ask open questions and assess – give them time and avoid asking “Why?” as this feels like an accusation and a judgement… You can rephrase a ‘why’ question… “What led to that happening?” or “When/how did it start?”.

Reassure and give information and support. Reassurance does NOT mean saying it will all be ok – but it does tell them that this is just a moment in time… Reflect back their feelings and acknowledge how hard it must be… give hope that recovery is possible and there are steps to be taken to move forwards.

Take care not to trivialise here – you’re not aiming for a “Come on, get over it” any more than a “This is a disaster!” You want to strike a happy medium where you acknowledge the hurt and pain while giving hope that recovery is possible and there are steps to be taken to move forwards.  

Enter their model of reality…and imagine how this feels for them.  They may be talking to you, but this doesn’t mean they are entirely sure that what happened was wrong. They may feel guilt and shame as well as defensiveness and desperation. There are likely to be conflicts and doubts.  If they have been groomed online, they may still have an emotional connection to the perpetrator - however difficult that is for us to accept, it’s vital that we acknowledge it.

Seek support and self-care. Don’t blame yourself; contact relevant professionals for advice. Don’t worry if your child would rather talk to someone else – this is another opportunity to signpost them to support. You have not failed and responsibility for the harm rests absolutely with the perpetrator. 

Remember, you are not to blame yourself. It is not your fault. Your child will probably have the same feelings that ‘if only I had…’ or ‘I shouldn’t have’. It is important that the actions that have caused the harm and distress are on the offender not you or your child. This can be difficult to do but it is important that you remember it was someone’s actions that harmed your child and the blame lies with them.  

Victim blaming must always be challenged and comments from any professional who attributes blame to you and/or your child should be challenged. This shows a lack of understanding about this type of abuse and is poor and harmful practice.