Step 1: Steady yourself first (before you speak)
If you’ve just found out - whether your child has told you, or you’ve discovered something - your first job is to regulate your reaction. Shock, anger, disbelief and overwhelm are normal, but your child will often be watching your response closely.
Quick reset: try ‘square breathing’ - breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4.
Step 2: Work out which situation you’re in: Disclosure or Discovery
The first few minutes matter, and what you do next depends on how you found out.
If this is a disclosure (your child has told you)
Your aim: keep the door open and make it safe to keep talking.
- Give them your full attention (even if it’s an inconvenient moment).
- Lead with support, not questions. Examples include:
- “Thank you for telling me - I know that must have been difficult.”
- “You’ve done the right thing telling me.”
- “You’re not in trouble. It’s my job to keep you safe.”
- Avoid 'why' questions - they can feel like an accusation and increase shame.
- If AI manipulation is mentioned avoid describing the images as 'fake' or 'not real' as this diminishes the impact. Try to call them AI generated.
If this is a discovery (you found something or suspect something)
Your aim: avoid a confrontational moment that shuts communication down.
- Choose a time and place that reduces defensiveness (a walk or car journey can help).
- Keep your tone calm and your body language soft (sit at their level if you can).
- Start with gentle, open prompts:
- “I’ve noticed something that’s made me worried. I want to understand what’s been happening.”
- This may be uncomfortable and I want you to know that I’m on your side - I’m here to help.”
- Avoid launching into accusations, punishments or ultimatums.
Step 3: Lead with support (not an interrogation)
Whichever route you’re in, your child’s ability to accept help often depends on whether they feel believed and safe.
- Listen calmly and let them speak in their own words.
- Keep reassurance simple: “I’m glad you told me. We can take this step by step.”
- Don’t push for detail; you don’t need “the full picture” to start supporting them.
Step 4: Think carefully before checking devices
It’s natural to want to check their phone immediately - but pause and ask yourself: Do I know what I’ll do if I find something?
Preferred approach: ask your child to show you, keeping them in control of the process. You may not learn everything, but you protect the relationship and keep future help-seeking open.
Step 5: Don’t share images - and keep key details safe
If images or videos are involved:
- Don’t forward, share, or store them ‘for advice’.
- If it’s safe, keep key details noted somewhere:
- usernames / platform
- URLs / dates / times
- any messages showing pressure or threats
If possible, encourage your child not to delete everything straight away - it can help reporting.
Step 6: Get support and take action
It’s normal to feel conflicted about involving others, but some action will be needed for your child’s safety and recovery. You can take this one step at a time.
Who to tell (support around your child)
- If peers are involved, contact the school and ask for the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL).
- If you’re unsure what to do next, you can talk it through with Marie Collins Foundation (MCF): 01765 688827.
Where to report (formal routes)
Step 7: Keep daily life going alongside recovery
It’s understandable to want to clamp down hard. Blanket bans on tech or going out can be counterproductive long-term.
- Keep conversations open.
- Focus on rebuilding safety and trust.
- Keep normal family talk going (meals, plans, everyday chat). Normality supports recovery.
Step 8: Put support around you as well
You may feel guilt, anger, grief, or self-blame. It is not your fault and not your child’s fault - blame belongs with the abuser. Try to avoid making big decisions while emotions are at their peak, and consider speaking to a trusted friend or professional.